July 14th, 2006

Subject: happy birthday to me Time: 05:46 pm Current Mood: gloomy

tis my birthday today...what i hate about birthdays is that you end up trying to plan out this perfect day for yourself, and by creating expectations, it never ends up being that great. today actually wasn't that great though. i went to go get my hair died auburn at a salon...and i really trust the guy...he's done my hair before...but he asked me if i wanted "fire engine red" streaks as well as the auburn and i agreed to it..but he ended up putting magenta (basically pink) streaks in, much to my surprise. i really dont know how i feel about it, there's black mixed in with it too..its kinda weird, but i just dont feel like it was worth 100 bucks when im not really crazy about it...i dont know..im not that trendy chick with pink streaks. and then i went out to lunch with nicki, who i barely get to see since she's been sick, and it was nice seeing her of course...she made me a really really nice card that i really really appreciate...but it was also just straight up depressing..because i can hardly stand to look at her without crying (fuck i hope she doesnt read this...because her illness is obviously not her fault nor is the pain it causes the people around her)..but like..she's lost 45 pounds..she's discoloured...weak..she can't stand or sit without getting exaughsted..the only thing she can do is lay..so all her exuberance in personality, fire, enthusiasm...is totally drained. all we end up talking about is her sickness, which only makes both of us depressed..but there's nothing else going on in her life right now other than the fact that some mysterious ailment is destroying her life.. it kills me to see her like this, the strongest person i've ever known, the most incredible person i've ever known, fallen to a frail twig of twisted fate. it was depressing to sit in a restaurant eating food she can barely eat because of her lack of appetite, with cloudy skies outside, talking about the details and results of this horrifying plague upon her life, as well as mine. if only the doctors could figure out what the fuck it is...at least its not getting drastically worse.. i just want my nicki back. i want the nicki i used to know, the one that's still there only burdened by a force of nature greater than herself. i want to be able to go to banff and do whatever the fuck we want..only we cant, because she can only do very minimal activity and for only a short length of time..let alone drink or do drugs or go to bars or go to the lake. we'll probably do a bit of those things..but not as much as we'd like to. and it just makes me sad that all this working im doing, all these 8 hour shifts 5-6 days in a row, are supposed to be for banff. then what if its not that great? then im back at school again and probably without nicki..she'll probably have to home school, her dad might even move to tahiti with her for a few months so she can have a change of atmosphere and de-stress. not to be selfish..but..life without nicki? a gray winter of classes and barely sleping..with no nicki? i had a hard enough time in school without her for the last half of grd 11..i cant imagine my whole "FUN FUN FUN" grd 12 year being nothing more than a stepping stone to when life will be better. ok most of you will have no real knowledge of what im talking about, most probably dont even care, and i know i sound depressing, but thats kinda how this day has been. on a more cheerful note, i got a raise from 8$ to 9$ an hour (which according to my supervisor, has never happened at fairways in the 7 years he's been there), plus im going horse back riding tomorrow with gen, then im going to a birthday party that work is having for me at white spot with tons of people who will all buy me drinks, thus me getting hammered and using gen's i.d to get into the bar. i really needed to get all that bullshit out of my system. inhale, exhale, move on to the next thing in my life.

comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment

July 4th, 2006

Current Music: john frusciante- time tonight Time: 05:48 pm Current Mood: content

this is kind of a random entry...but i figured i should maybe make one since its been over a month since i last updated...and you know..the lord of..livejournal..might get angry... i just woke up from a nap, i worked 9-2 today which is an awesome shift...and when i woke up (i actually dreamt about giving people their change and calling for basket pickups..its a little depressing) all i could think about was how great it feels to be summer and to be able to have a nap in the middle of the day and not feel guilty because i've got homework to do or i wont be able to sleep later on. i love wearing skirts, tanktops and flowy headscarfs around the house, going barefoot outside, drinking on the beach, actually having time to read, hanging out with people after work and being able to stay out until like 3 (even thought i used to push that same curfew on school nights during the year sometimes...yeah a little bit of resentment on my parent's side), smelling barbeques 24/7, making plans, making money. i'm going to banff with nicki at the end of july...i just booked my time off today actually. its going to be amazing. im paying for the entire trip (which gives it a very independant feel), we're taking the plane there, we're just going to be partying and relaxing in this little ski town for like 2 weeks. of course my only fear is that nicki will feel like shit the whole trip...which is entirely possible seeing as thats how her illness has been for the past 4 months...but it doesn't matter because nothing can wreck this for us...same thing goes for the chili peppers concert..YOU HEAR ME WHATEVER IS UP THERE?! NOTHING IS LAYING A FUCKING FINGER ON THE CHILI PEPPERS CONCERT AND BANFF...I DONT CARE WHAT LITTLE TRICKS OF KEEPING THE WORLD IN BALANCE YOU'VE GOT UP THERE..ITS..NOT..HAPPENING. that's right...i know you can hear the tappiting of my furious message. so far this summer has been great, i've made plenty of money, read books in centennial while eating subway, had many fun and successful nights of drinking and socializing, hooked up with a guy and a girl at the same time (dont ask..its been checked into the random drunken events area of my brain), drank beer and cooked hamburgers with my mom, met a great new friend, bought an awesome hemp necklace half off and a new ring to add to my collection, felt totally relaxed at many points and..AND..cleaned my room. thats right. neat and tidy it is. there's obviously more, and im in a great mood because im beach drinking tonight and making a fire..im stopping off for marshmallows first.. anyway i think im done here...i really like july..i think it might just be the best month of the year because its the beginning of summer when you know you've also got august left, plus the weather is all pretty and breezy, and its the month of my birthday (july 14th) AND..it just looks nice. don't you think so? July. July 4th. maybe its just me.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

May 13th, 2006

Current Music: red hot chili peppers- venice queen Time: 04:06 pm Current Mood: ecstatic

thursday september 14th at 7:30 pm i will be in vancouver at general motors place at a red hot chili peppers concert with my best friend in the whole world with...amazing seats...actually amazing. numbers were drawn as to who got the first tickets...and nicki's number was drawn...so we were the first people in victoria to purchase tickets...there are now only single seats available and the price of them has gone up. life is amazing.

comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment

April 23rd, 2006

Current Music: atmosphere- breathing Subject: you could put a beat to this Time: 12:37 am Current Mood: bored

How do we always find ourselves back in the same place? With no clue, no sight, no comfort within the human race Fighting against one another for our common desires From the first day of life to the day life retires Stuck in our heads, mentally probing the brain tissue Of our past and our future, rarely of the present issue We want the life of a child but the benefits of maturity A spontaneous life that fulfills our security How do we hear of injustice and bask in the disgrace Yet inevitably become inhumanity as a human race We throw rocks at people we don’t understand So we can keep our eyes narrowed and cease to expand An impossible mission to drown out the voice in our head See the world as a whole, the common things that cut us and bled We are all blinded and lost on our own planet’s soil Seeking natural happiness amongst unnatural turmoil

comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment

March 26th, 2006

Time: 03:49 pm

i'm going to drive to mexico with nicki in summer 2007 and go swimming on acid. this is happening. the savings fund has been named. thank you anthony kiedis for inspiring this idea. i can't wait to start reading his autobiography. also...i really need to clean my room...my cats have started making little nests of comfort on top of my clothes pile.

comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment

March 20th, 2006

Current Music: the tragically hip- little bones Time: 12:05 am Current Mood: awake

oh god...i have one of those colds where you're all drippy and disgusting and you wake up in the morning feeling as if you've somehow managed to cement your nasal passages. yeah you pretty much know what i'm talking about. i cannot believe how fast this year is going by...march has definitly been the quickest month in passing, and i wouldn't be shocked at all if april went by even faster. pretty soon i'll be not studying for exams and not registering how close summer is. i'm thinking of working full time in july and taking all of august off instead of spreading out my hours. because i find it always takes me a while to kick start my summer acitivites. the fun doesn't normally really begin until late july. turning 17 in july...its so weird because when i think of 17 i think of NOT being 19 and how much that sucks. yet once i turn 20 i'll probably cry. just think of how old that sounds...i think its a terrible age. "twenty". once you're 20 its only 10 years until you're 30. and then you'll really be shedding some tears. i have to always remind myself of just how lucky i am to be 16 at this moment, with my WHOLE LIFE ahead of me. once you get older the one thing you desire more than anything else is time. more time. more opportunity. time to live. and what's unfortunate is that so many people don't appreciate their youth, myself included. i'm constantly wishing i were a different age...man if i could just freeze myself as 21. gee i wonder if i'm the first person ever to say that? you don't truly realize the value of your youth until you dont have it anymore. and its the same thing with so many other aspects of life...we don't really understand how meaningful and encompassing the things we have are until they're gone. we should treat the things that matter to us as if its possible they'll no longer be there the next day. our friends, family, youth, life. fuck fighting, fuck negativity, fuck standards, fuck doing things we don't want to do. we all know it, but do we really live that way? wow...i basically started this entry thinking "i should post...i haven't in a really long time"...and look what progressed. oh fuck...i so badly want to go to the three day music festival "lollapalooza" in chicago in august. red hot chili peppers, the shins, qotsa, iron & wine, deathcab for cutie, the flaming lips, ween and much much more. now if i only had a fortune and a way of brainwashing my mom into thinking its alright to send her 17 yr old daughter to chicago with her best friend... i'll work on it.

comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment

January 23rd, 2006

Time: 04:01 pm Current Mood: aggravated

Well, I certainly haven't updated in a long time...every time I think about updating i get extremely lazy and decide otherwise. My life right now is in an stone haze...I fight every week to get through my enormous amounts of homework, go to work, attempt to have a social life...all the while wondering when I'm going to get a fucking break. Life isn't supposed to be about "don't worry, spring break is coming soon" or "hey, at least you've only got a year and a half of high school left". Will it be the same thing after high school? "You've only got 2 more years of university left"..."don't sweat it, your day off is in 3 days". I hate having to WAIT to enjoy my life. I hate having to work so hard and not get as far as I want to. I think the weather lately has been adding to it all...i crave light sunshine that's just warm enough that you can bask in it without becoming overheated. Thank god for my friends...but I don't get to really hang out with them as much as I'd like to...sure, Nicki is in practically all my classes, but I want to be DOING something with her and Andie, not just lazily getting through school. This is one of the stoniest times in my life, but it's also a time where I'm learning and wanting to see the world the most. I crave a new experience, something fulfilling. Yet I have to keep waiting for the future. Fuck all those stupid cliches about "Why don't you fulfill your dreams today...why not do what you've always wanted to do.." Well mr. cliche, I've got a chem test, 4 french sheets, psych homework, 2 socials paragraphs, tons of math homework and a macbeth test ALL IN THE NEXT 2 FUCKING DAYS. And what bothers me is that none of that homework REALLY matters. They MAKE it matter. I want to learn on my own, through experiencing with all my senses. Why does society have to make it so difficult to be happy? I want to be happy, I know how to be happy...but I don't know how to when following this goddamn system. Can you see why I'm a little dampened lately? P.S...I'm jesus fucking scared of a majority conservative government...

comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment

December 31st, 2005

Current Music: distillers- beat your heart out Time: 12:11 am Current Mood: distressed

im hot, i have a terrible headache, my knee is still fucked and tomorrow is new years eve. going out still? god i hope so. im so tired of sitting around my house "resting" my injury...i need fresh air and my friends. please god...tell me this warmth and headache aren't the beginnings of illness...i may shoot myself if i have to sit around watching maury, oprah and tlc another day. did you know there was a what not to wear marathon on today? sadly...i did.

comments: Leave a comment

December 30th, 2005

Time: 09:46 am Current Mood: awake

haha...well some of you may know and others not..but on tuesday night i went ice skating with nicki and jacqui and totally fucked up my knee.. i was doing really well i was!! i mean considering i havent gone since i was like 9...anyway..long story short i bailed and now the amount in which i may bend or straighten my leg is extremely limited. the good news is that i got out of 18 hours of work this week..bad news is that im a fucking cripple that can barely walk and cant even sleep properly..lets not even get into sitting up/getting up. it had better be significantly remedied by tomorrow..if not then i'll just have to party it up new years eve as a handicapp. excuse the crude disabled terms...i believe them them to bemore than appropriate for my physical state at the current time so...words are words. the thought of school is really starting to depress me...im not all that stable with my grades at the moment and i fear they won't live up to my last term report card. now that i've gotten all A's and one B last term i'm going to compare my future grades to it all year. i don't want to have to jump back into all the pressure again...im really behind in both chemistry and math (big suprise), have no tutor and quite possibly tests in them near to the future. at least i finished that goddamn commonwealth essay for english...ms roberts had better give me a really good mark on that...i dont want my blood and sweat going down the fucking drain. ive been thinking more and more frequently about just how lucky we all are to live in the place we do. nicki, jacqui and i were driving along the inner harbour the other night and i just couldnt fathom victoria in itself. we live on an island..in british columbia..CANADA. there are millions of people that would kill to live where we do. yet all a lot of us want to do is get away from it..yet so many of us are depressed or unhappy with our lives. in comparison to other people we have it so good... i think it just ties in with that it is literally almost impossible for people to be COMPLETELY satisfied. and when i say completely satisfied i mean that long term, all the time, you never want more, you're never looking for more, you've got clothes, food, clean water and shelter and that's all you need. its so funny how there are people all around the world that strive for those 4 basic needs...and the majority of north america already has those things..so we get specific. we want quality food, a large selection of clothes, expensive jewelry, enormous houses, water consuming bubble baths and water gun fights...BOTTLED WATER...(don't get me started on that) and also when i say "we" i just mean that it happens...very frequently concerning the whole north american population.. i mean think about how many people throw out food every night at dinner..you could be eating something and give no thought to just chucking it down the drain or into the garbage..many of us give no thought to throwing a candy wrapper onto the ground or getting a plastic bag at pharmasave for our lip gloss. think of the people with an enormous closet of clothes yet they feel like they're "out of style"..i mean that term was only created so clothing stores could make money..its so funny how easily we're brainwashed by our constantly producing establishments and by the government. technically couldnt we be just fine with one pair of clean clothes? i mean..why not? it would take so much judgement out of the world.. think about celebrities that wear $5000 gowns with $200 000 000 earrings...just for one night on the red carpet..i mean what are they thinking? "oh my god..im so glam..this dress is FABULOUS..IM FABULOUS..my new $3000 motherfucking louis vuitton emerald studded fucking thong is just so motherfucking fabulous...oh..there are people starving and pining for just 20 dollars of my north american money? uhhh..well..im..fabu..lous?" i mean at what point do you suddenly deserve these things? did god tattoo you with a price tag? have we price tagged our lives and constantly wondered if its good enough? we want more...and im not saying im not guilty of some of this..i waste food and water, i litter sometimes, i complain about my life..im not perfect and nobody is..i just think maybe we need to start thinking about it a little more..and about what we can do to stop it..because i think people might end up being a whole lot happier if we started realizing what we have and how little we really need in order to be happy.... ive talked to bryan about this..ive written an essay about it..i just needed to get it into my livejournal. good ol ranting. and on this particular topic the above is only the minimum.

comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment

December 25th, 2005

Current Music: metallica- turn the page Time: 07:12 pm Current Mood: bored

haha..for your enjoyment...i've come across some funny things that god might say. "Have you seen my son? I sent him out to grab some milk awhile ago..." -God "Sorry for the inconvenience." -God "Ok, I'm back. What'd I miss? OH SHIT!"....haha..love that one. -God "Shut up. I'm tired of your stupid hymns." -God "Quit using my name in vain, goddamnit." -God "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." -God "All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them." -God "The Inquisition? All right, my bad."..pfftt..thats just great.. -God "Dance, my puppets, DANCE! MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!" -God "Dear Humanity- QUIT IT. Assholes." -God hahaha..well..i got a laugh out of it.

comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment

Current Music: johnny cash- folsom prison blues Time: 02:12 pm Current Mood: indifferent

happy holidays. i worked yesterday and it was an absolute fucking madddhouse at fairways...i said merry christmas so many times that it just lost meaning. basically i was so consumed by work that i didnt have any time to get my self excited for christmas. so last night was kinda so so...i didnt really do anything..i got out of going to mass with my dad at a roman catholic church..because i think i'd probably be just about the biggest hypocrite in the world if i went. it was cute though..my mom saw i was kinda in a bad mood last night and gave me a cranberry juice and vodka and a "holiday fun" archie comic...i thought it was funny that she would remember my childhood tradition of saving that to read every year for christmas eve. i completely forgot about it this year. so i woke up at like 9 this morning and didnt feel pumped at all...this is probably the first year where i honestly havent cared about presents..because i know the same thing will happen..my mom will have spent copious amount on money on gifts that i dont really need or want, and ill be forced to go through the roof about every one.. it was also the first year where my sister wasnt right there with me on christmas morning..where we'd then rush downstairs, heart pumping with adrenaline. (she lives with her boyfriend now). i went downstairs by myself and made a big mug of coffee while i tried to calm my mom down about getting things ready. it completely ruins the spirit of christmas when someone is bitchy and stressed out. i could see my dad was bothered by it as well. he went and started playing christmas carols on the piano..he always plays piano when he's feeling a bit lonely or troubled. so i did what would plainly make him happy which is sit with him and sing along to them. as suspected, my mom bought me a lot of clothes and jewelry that are sooooo not me...like she spent jesus motherfucking 250 bucks on an earrings, necklace and ring set with my ruby birthstone..but besides the ruby the theme of the set is pink and dimaonds..and the stone on the ring is a heart shaped ruby...how can she possibly not know i hate extravagant expensive jewelry not to mention pink and hearts...i just felt so bad that she spent so much money on it.. and she also got me jewelry by jennifer lopez...i was like "awww thankkks.." probably cost a fortune and i like the hemp necklace with turquoise stone i wear so much better and it cost me 25 bucks... of course its the thought that counts..but i do not need anything like that..i most definitly dont feel like my neck, ears and fingers are so amazing that they should be dressed in 250 dollar jewelry. haha she also got me a "harry potter doll" from FAO Schwarz...for those of you who dont know my mom is a doll/barbie collector. haha mum..i like the books but what in hell am i going to do with the doll? she was like "its a collectors item". she's so funny. the present i really cared about was...a fucking video ipod..a VIDEO...IPOD. i shat myself. i can watch family guy episodes, movies, have so much music..music videos..all one one ipod..so much memory on it too. whats sad is that had i received the ipod and none of the other gifts..i would have been equally happy..i dont need anything. all i asked for was an ipod...haha.."all" i asked for..very expensive gift. i wasnt expecting a video ipod though..now that is just straight up dope. i had my christmas dinner today at noon because my sister and her bf were working at 3. so now christmas is over and done with...i think it went well..too much money was spent on my parents end but whatcha gonna do..my mom would probably get offended if i said i didnt need all she gave me. i wish my mom truly knew me. she doesnt at all..she just wants to think of me as being a blonde sunny girl who loves dolls, expensive jewelry and clothes and who has the personality of a little girl. always wants me to stay her little girl... too late. sorry mummy, your little girl smoked pot for two years, did acid and figured out the world. now she's an idealist who thinks jesus christ is bullshit. the best part of the day was that my parents and my sister all loved the gifts i gave them. and my sister started crying when she read her card. because i wrote in it "to the one person whom i have never loved nor hated more in my life..." she knows its true. so yeah, merry christmas everyone, it doesnt need to be about the birth of christ. create your own meaning.

comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment

December 23rd, 2005

Current Music: radiohead & the pixies- where is my mind Time: 12:14 am Current Mood: impressed

Your Personality Is Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours. The Three Question Personality Test wow...perfectly accurate...and only 3 questions..

comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment

December 12th, 2005

Time: 01:42 pm Current Mood: weary but pleased.

wellllll i decided to stay home from school today..well, more like i decided last night as i drunkenly passed out on my floor of blankets and pillows. i got home from my work party at like 2 30 in the morning with leftover beer, wine and meat pie. i was so drunk i dropped the meat pie on my kitchen floor the beer was saved. my parents shook their heads at me. the party was really fun..at first when me and some other people from work arrived i felt like it might be awkward. (if you know me you know that anything awkward = hell) because the woman who hosted it (shirley) is like 50 and had a bunch of her older friends over..not to mention her 73 yr old mom. and then in came me and all the other young ragamuffins from fairways with our beer and spirits. it ended up being totally fine though..once all the older people drank some more wine and the young ragamuffins convinced them to do shots with us. a guy played guitar for the people there pretty much all night, which was awesome. im always so in awe of passionate live music. and once i was really drunk i even sang a few songs for the party, which was amazing for me..when i sing for people and they enjoy it..i like..swell with an pure, internal happiness. i now have a group of people pushing me to learn how to play guitar. i definitly should learn how so that i can accompany my singing..but the truth is..im just fuckin lazy. blame it on 2 years of day to day pot smoking..but i've got very little motivation. i know that playing guitar is something i will be learning how to do in my life though..somehow..someday..i've got plenty of time. flash forward to when im 40 and can't believe where my life went... so yeah, the party was really fun and i rounded off the night with a philisophical conversation between me and my fairways supervisor. alcohol, a buffet, people i enjoy, drunken ciggarette breaks (the only time i ever smoke), live music, singing for a party, intense philisophical conversation= elements of sara's life fulfilling happiness. and i dont regret my decision to not go to school today at all..i needed a break..plus i didnt have my homework done for my classes today and i have to write the good copy of my commonwealth essay... technicalities. fuck...that essay is the biggest burden. i hate having to organize and structure my thoughts. which is pretty apparent just from my livejournal posts i rattle on for ages with next to no punctuation or organization. and im in english honours. pffft.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

December 8th, 2005

Time: 04:47 pm Current Mood: lazy

oh..god..tonight will be a task. i have to write a 2000 word essay for the commonwealth essay competition... the topic- "based on the past 50 years since around when your parents were born, does the future look good?" i can definitly go off on that topic...i think i'll write about greed, global warming as effect of our economy, ignorance and laziness as effect of our sheltering society and technology..and..other stuff. thats the problem..theres too much other stuff. ms roberts says i need to learn to organize my thoughts and ideas. isnt writing supposed to be about letting your mind reign free? i hate stupid fucking perfect essays. its going to be a long evening.

comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment

December 1st, 2005

Time: 03:12 pm Current Mood: peaceful

it started fucking snowing on december 1st!!! ah i must start organizing my christmas presents for people...i always feel like i have to get people the PERFECT gift. ive got a lot i have to accomplish schoolwise tomorrow..then i have to go to work..but this weekend should be awesome..hanging out and drinking with my friends both friday and saturday night..then i have my fairways staff christmas party on sunday...yesss hammered semi formal with fairways people...woah..i might possible be drinking all 3 nights this weekend..quite a bit..good thing i dont get hangovers. its a dinner as well as a...dance? that should be interesting.. fuck...i have to get something semi formal. damnit..i hate the mall. this is probably the smallest and most pointless update ive ever done... im just putting off trying to comprehend macbeth. yes shakespeare, your words flow beautifully..but what the fuck are you talking about? make tea right now? i think so.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

November 30th, 2005

Current Music: wish you were here- pink floyd...reminds me of him. Time: 03:35 pm Current Mood: contemplative

wow...ive had so much on my mind lately what else is new? but this..this is different..bryan i know you're going to read this so..bear with me... a couple weeks ago i had my first real conversation with an amazing guy..a guy that before i had only associated as being the boyfriend of my friend..an awesome guy that was so in love..so incredibly in love with a girl who i cared about a lot, so i respected him..even though we'd never talked..and the first couple times we talked...it was so intense...i have never spilled so much about myself, about how i feel about life and the world..people..to ANYONE so quickly.. this is really hard to write and ive never had someone spill so much about themselves..to me...seeing just..everything..including the bad breakup between him and my friend. one of my passions in life is finding out about other people, getting to see that personal side of them that they dont show to just anybody. so seeing this guy's amazing personality come before me, knowing how he felt about things, understanding him..was incredible for me. i wanted to know more about him..see it all..everything...see the past, see the present, imagine the future. i cant help feeling that way when i talk to people..i get pulled in. so after the biggest conversation we've ever had..i just wanted to see him. i went to his house that night just expecting to talk more, become closer, because i could definitly see a friendship with this guy developing. hell we practically already knew everything about each other..it was inevitable. but things ended up progressing further than friends that night i wasnt expecting it, i knew i was really interested in this guy, that i wanted to get to know him better, but i wasnt expecting romantically..considering he only recently went through a bad breakup with the first girl he ever loved. it just..happened. before i knew it, i wanted to kiss him, he wanted to kiss me...i wanted to take all the pain out of his life and make it my own, i wanted to be the one to create happiness for him..now i can see that that's just my nature..i feel the need to make people's lives better, know them, understand them, help them. how can i possibly put this all into words...its impossible..but proceed i will. so from there..we were going out. it happened so quickly, i'd only really known him a couple of days..yet i felt like i knew him so well..why is it that i can just..know people? give me a 3 hour conversation with them and i can feel how they feel.. i wanted to make a relationship work with him because i cared about him, and i wanted to be a part of his life. but i realize now that i was pushing things way too fast..being misguided by certain emotions. it was soon after the relationship began that i realized i couldnt be what he wanted me to be. i couldnt commit to this, i wasn't ready, so much responsibility, so little time..my life is pretty much absorbed by school, work and my 3 best friends that are the world to me..my life. i need my time with my friends because they make me happy...they're how i discovered the path to happiness. i didn't want to hurt him. i was a selfish bitch for not getting out the first day..a bitch for not pulling away from his arms... an idiot for wanting to save the world when really im just a 16 year old going to oak bay high school. i have no time to give him what he needs, and if im going to have a bf then i want to be able to be with him..that and i dont know if im ready to be cared about..liking myself is such a new thing..i need to settle into that. basically im scared of the intensity, the commitment. i just..dont want a boyfriend. what i want is to make people happy. so break up with him i did...and i hate myself for causing him pain..thats probably my worst fear in the whole world..causing people pain, embaressment..discomfort of any form. why did i start it in the first place? i got confused and pulled in by something that was so real, a connection with a human being that expanded so quickly. i didnt stop to think that we could be inredibly good friends, and just that. and i think he sees it now too. so the conclusion of all this? i need to think more before i get involved with people, because i think im just by nature a very nurturing person, i want to help people and discover them..save them..it doesnt mean i have romantic feelings for them. and the real conclusion is that i've gotten to know an amazing guy. and i see great things in the future of our friendship.

comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment

November 27th, 2005

Current Music: pink floyd- wish you were here Time: 02:00 pm Current Mood: pissed off

http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/news/story.jsp?floc=ns-tos-feat-h-02&idq=/ff/story/0001%2F20051126%2F2326443545.htm&sc=1110&photoid=20051126CARP101 for jesus fucks sake...read that before you read my entry. religion?! faith?! the TEARS OF MARY FOR FUCKS SAKE?! IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE CRY FOR? WHAT THEY INSTILL ALL THEIR EMOTION TOWARDS? SOME SORT OF TOURIST HOAX IN SACRAMENTO? "He believes the tears are a sign" a sign?! a sign of what??! that our world has become so blinded by the unknown, clouded by the desire to believe that we'll so easily be lured by some sort of money making bullshit?!...another corruption of our world...the need to jesus motherfucking SCREW people over so we can make money. literally..taking advantage of these people. these naive, lost souls. i dont know whats worse..the fact that somebody is making their statue of mary cry blood so people from all around the world will come to their shitty ass city in california because their tourist gift shops where they sell idiot surf and sun paraphernilia arent working out so well... or.. the fact that people will actually go. ``I think that it's incredible. It's a miracle. Why is she doing it? Is it something bothering her?'' asked Maria Vasquez, 35, who drove with her parents and three children from Stockton, about 50 miles south of Sacramento. drive for 50 miles to see the biggest load of fucking shit you've ever laid eyes upon folks!! why dont we all just SLEEP RIGHT NEXT TO THE STATUE AND BUY ALL OUR MEALS FROM THE OVERPRICED FOOD VENDORS CONVENIENTLY PLACED AROUND IT THAT JUST MAGICALLY APPEARED THERE ONCE PEOPLE STARTED COMING TO SEE THIS CRAP? YEAH! LETS DO THAT! LETS SMEAR HER BEAUTIFUL BLOODY TEARS ALL OVER US AND HOPE THAT SOMEDAY WE CAN PERHAPS BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOD. they even admit it near the end of the article... "Thousands of such incidents are reported around the world each year, though many turn out to be hoaxes or natural phenomena." many turn out to be hoaxes or natural phenomena... how ironic a hoax upon a hoax. the tears of mary upon the bible of centuries of blindness. a fool for a fool. a sign..the tears are..a sign. yeah..a sign that millions of people have yet again been cast under a spell.

comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment

November 22nd, 2005

Subject: that drowsy, barely there, waking up from a nap feeling... Time: 08:21 pm Current Mood: sleepy

oh fuck...i just had to make a post about what a dumbass i am.. i came home today with so much homework..socials questions, chapter 17 notes, summary of kyoto protocol, math homework AND to study for a huge psych test im having..but i was so damned tired at like 5 o clock that i literally couldnt focus on anything..my eyes were just barely staying opn..so i had a "little nap"...which resulted in me waking up now..at fucking..8 15..and with so much to do..i wish i could just say fuck it all. but i really have to get it all done... wake up early tomorrow i guess? this lukewarm instant coffee tastes like shit...wish me good luck on getting my act together tonight.. bryan its all your fault...i wish i'd never gone to your house last night..then i wouldnt be so damn tired.. what am i kidding i have no regrets at all..

comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment

November 20th, 2005

Current Music: marcy's playground- opium Subject: beautiful misery Time: 02:44 pm Current Mood: confused

today is a weird day...the only good thing about it is the fact that i thought i was going to be working but it turns out im not... other than that...i just woke up with a bad feeling. i hate those days where you dont really have any purpose and you're just kind of rotting in your house, wanting to be doing something but then everything you think of doing sounds unappealing..come on you know those days. those days where you dont really have anything to look forward to in the near future so you're very unenthused about life.. its weird how humans need things to keep them going..if we dont have something to look forward to then we're down in the dumps..it could be something as simple as your bf or gf coming over later, going out to dinner, going over to a friends house..smoking a bowl and playing your guitar..watching the newest episode of family guy..anything (oo! there is a new episode of family guy on tonight..that still doesnt really lift my spirits though)... on acid i remember talking about how humans put purpose in storing up happiness for the future..postponed happiness..we go to school, go to work, put up with shit from our friends, parents, teacher, coworkers, clean our environments, eat well, take care of ourselves..so we can be happy in the future. so that someday we can feel fulfilled with our lives. so that someday we'll have the job we want, the husband/wife, kids, house, body, mind..its like a race for happiness that never seems to end. but we also do it in everyday life... like my friend jacqui..she has this gold lindor chocolate bunny from last easter thats just sitting on her shelf waiting to be eaten and when me and nicki ask her about it she just says shes "saving it" i mean..saving it for what? is it really going to taste any better later on in the future?..if anything it will start to go bad..especially since you're setting up expectations on how good its going to be..so once you finally have it..it probably wont end up being that great thats just a small example that happened to pop into my head..its such a tiny thing yet so significant...because its an example of that nature..of preparing and setting up for being happy.. its similar in how people will work 5 days a week just pining for the weekend when they can finally have a good time..we work so hard at our jobs so that in the future..we can be happy. have money to make ourselves happy..but then it just ends up being for those two days on the weekend..and once they come..are they really as fun as you wanted them to be? especially since you set those expectations for it? what if we put all this work into getting the career, house, body etc that we want..and then it ends up not being so great? we're still not happy? it seems like often people with tons of money, a husband, kids, good job, comfortable life..are always looking for more..always searching for that point. to be completely happy...my family has a friend thats very well off but she keeps moving from house to house, each time spending more extravagant amounts of money on it..and never being satisfied. its so ridiculous...because what we're looking for isnt in the superficial parts of life. what if we're overcomplicating it? what if happiness is right now, all the time..and the rest is just pleasure? do you see where im coming from with this? i guess what im saying is that you should enjoy what you can in the present..without worrying about the future. and to see the importance in things that are NOT posessions. the things that really matter. but yes, back to my shitty day...(see i preach all this stuff about how easy it could possibly be to be happy..yet i definitly havent completely achieved the practice of it..i still feel like crap often enough) i've basically just been on the computer..putting off homework..i dont think getting my homework done would make me happy..nor would watching tv..or going for a walk..i want nicki..thats what i want..for her to be here..damn her being out in sooke all the time. i've also been kinda sad about this situation im having with this guy ian. he and i worked at fairways together..and the first time we met we got along really well..i thought he was really hot.. and he asked me to come bogue with him after work..went well..we had a good time..but then the next time we hung out things got more complicated by us hooking up..we discussed that we liked each other and sensed somewhat of a connection..im not normally the type to plunge into hooking up with someone but i definitly liked this guy.. and at one point i had to ask him where he saw this going..like does he just want to be friends with benefits (i definitly dont do that..but i might possibly be okay with it..im not sure..its fun to have a boy to play with) or does he want a relationship.. and at the time we agreed it was stupid to move quickly into a relationship and to see how things go.. so since then we've basically been talking, hanging out, hooking up occasionally..laughing, having a good time etc. but i really dont know what i want out of it because i really..really dont want to just be SOME girl..y'know? but at the same time im not positive a relationship between us would work..because he works a lot and he lives 25 minutes away from me. but im definitly developing somewhat of feelings for him..and im still not sure what he wants relationship wise..because i also dont want to scare him off with my thoughts on the situation..i enjoy spending time with him..but we have the intimacy of a bf/gf thing..without the label..plus i practically never see him. like last night when we went to go see the 40 year old virgin together at the roxy we acted like a couple in the theatre..holding hands, head on shoulder, me rubbing his leg etc...but im still just a friend..i know that. its the weirdest thing.. and i still am not sure what i want out of it except that i want to know that i mean something to him..that he'd care if he never saw me again... we're just kind of..stuck in limbo...both liking each other but not knowing whats in the future for it..and i dont know..would i be okay with not having a relationship with him? just talking and spending time with each other and making out? i have no clue..im really confused..but i feel like i want to talk to him about it but im not sure if it'll scare him away..i dont want to seem too emotional...ahh im confused...do i want to go out with him? do i like him that much? i wonder..because he's not all that similar to me..i get the feeling im more intense..hes more just like a chill, easy to be around stoner guy that i can laugh with..and who i happen to think is really hot. so what i want out of this is a good question what he wants out of this is a good question should i talk to him about it or wait for a little while..is a good question because its depressing me thinking of me just being some girl. because im not. (nobody should feel the need to respond to this part..i know theres not a whole lot you can say..im just treating this like a normal journal not necessarily a live one..) my entries are always so long and disorganized...basically a stream of conciousness...

comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment

November 15th, 2005

Current Music: blind melon- change Subject: dear god i dont want to get old. Time: 10:31 pm Current Mood: discontent

pretty normal day today..except ive yet to inform you that i decided to stop smoking weed...im clean as of 4 days..and with my past...thats something. im not necessarily COMPLETELY QUITTING...its more of an experiment/new approach to it. im experimenting by seeing what changes i notice by not smoking it..and if they're positive ones..then ill actually really WANT to quit..and if i dont notice a lot of change then ill start smoking it like once or twice a week again..because i still love it. like i love dot dot dots... jesus today the scariest thing awaited me when i got home from hanging out with ian... i came into the house and my nana was over..and we never see her but she'll occasionally surprise drop in on us to complain about something..(she's this really overweight,fake blonde hair, messy eyliner, bright pink lipstick old woman married to this fucking idiot) and i havent seen her in quite a while.. and she looked..so..fucked. its been a few months since ive seen her but she was a mess..gained more weight..her face was like..fucking..actually hairy..and shes living in a hotel right now because her husband beats her and makes fun of her all the time..and she was so out of it and i had to tell her like a million times that i was going to work..where i worked..what i did. actually had to tell her like 4 times. it was so insane..and i had no idea that her life was like that..i wanted..to kill that man..that fucking bastard. so i played counseller, swore about what a dick he was, how i was going to tell him off, how shes better off without him, to get out of there..that she can totally get half of his money (he's really rich...all she does is spend his money..its what makes her happy..)..i just..hugged her..told her i was there for her..and she was like a zombie..i remember when she used to call me her little angel..now shes so out of it she cant even remember where i work. but the sad thing is that she's so out of it now that she might have to go to a home.. and it made me think about... how i cannot fathom getting to that point of age..being..old. that point where you start to become helpless..it also made me think about all the women in the world who are TRAPPED in relationships..actually cant get out of them because they cant financially support themselves without their abusive husbands..its just sick. im tired of typing but yeah..i just..cant even think about it..and i guess i dont have to right now..but it is in the future. someday we shall be old and toothless.

comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment